Biggest Lie

Have you ever think back about everything that you've done?
Have you ever regret those things you did in the past?
Or did you feel thankful that everything didn't go as you wanted it to be.

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I have been telling myself the biggest lie I can ever created...

I am fine.
I have moved on.
I am strong.
I can concentrate with my uni now.

Fuck all of them...
Just one sentence...
just one freaking info and it makes me feel confused all over again.

I know the possibility is zero.
I know that there is no chance.
I have screwed up with too many guys now to even hope for his respect.
I used those guys to move on,
but its my reputation and feeling that's being hurt the most now.

Never realized how much I can "love" someone.
I used the word 'crush' all of this time.
Now I know that he was no regular crush.
I THINK I do love him...
The impossible love.

He is single again.
But I know I am not even worth for him or even anyone now.
Pathetic. Short. Fat. Ugly. Girl.

I am just a pathetic girl with too many dreams.
I lowered my self to this level already....
Why would I even try to dream of the impossible.

Fat Girl
xoxo

Once a Mistake is Done, It Will Remain Forever

Spending my few last hours before fasting period calling my friend and cried like a bitch.
I owe you so much for always being there at any time and any condition. Thank you for listening to my childish cry every time. I wouldn't have know what I would have become without such a great listener and adviser like you.

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Call me childish,
Call me a slut,
Call me easy,
Call me a whore,
Call me a crybaby,
Call me desperate,
Call me dependent,
Call me useless,
Call me whatever you like at this moment while I am like this.
Say it to my face so I can get over it as soon as possible.
Let me know how bad my reputation is.
Remind me of my past mistakes...
Remind me of how low I already judge myself as.

I am crushed...
I can only cry and call my savior.
I know what they think of me already, but to know that they talk about me openly about all of that...
That just opened my eyes even more.
To see what I have been trying to ignore.

I pulled myself back...
I tried to come back carefully...
Rebuilt the thorn images and relationships.
I made a mistake with "jokingly" asking for a match making even.
Seems like I must have a really bad humor.


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When you expected your closes friends to be your worst enemies, you should have been prepared for everything. But, when it actually hit you. It still hurts like a knife.

Guess my mom was right.
It is impossible to be friend with everyone.
To befriend everyone from every class.
You need to pick and choose...
You need to test them...
Test them and see how they will pass your standard and trust...
Just then you can keep them.

To think of me for being that low, I have never expect that before.
I had the feeling they would.
I know they have short term mood swings.
Still.....
...
...
...
...
It is time to pull back even more.




I am fragile.
I am weak.
No matter how strong I let you believe I am...
I am no Elizabeth Bennet.

xoxo
Fat Girl