Biggest Lie

Have you ever think back about everything that you've done?
Have you ever regret those things you did in the past?
Or did you feel thankful that everything didn't go as you wanted it to be.

...................................................................................................................................

I have been telling myself the biggest lie I can ever created...

I am fine.
I have moved on.
I am strong.
I can concentrate with my uni now.

Fuck all of them...
Just one sentence...
just one freaking info and it makes me feel confused all over again.

I know the possibility is zero.
I know that there is no chance.
I have screwed up with too many guys now to even hope for his respect.
I used those guys to move on,
but its my reputation and feeling that's being hurt the most now.

Never realized how much I can "love" someone.
I used the word 'crush' all of this time.
Now I know that he was no regular crush.
I THINK I do love him...
The impossible love.

He is single again.
But I know I am not even worth for him or even anyone now.
Pathetic. Short. Fat. Ugly. Girl.

I am just a pathetic girl with too many dreams.
I lowered my self to this level already....
Why would I even try to dream of the impossible.

Fat Girl
xoxo

Once a Mistake is Done, It Will Remain Forever

Spending my few last hours before fasting period calling my friend and cried like a bitch.
I owe you so much for always being there at any time and any condition. Thank you for listening to my childish cry every time. I wouldn't have know what I would have become without such a great listener and adviser like you.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Call me childish,
Call me a slut,
Call me easy,
Call me a whore,
Call me a crybaby,
Call me desperate,
Call me dependent,
Call me useless,
Call me whatever you like at this moment while I am like this.
Say it to my face so I can get over it as soon as possible.
Let me know how bad my reputation is.
Remind me of my past mistakes...
Remind me of how low I already judge myself as.

I am crushed...
I can only cry and call my savior.
I know what they think of me already, but to know that they talk about me openly about all of that...
That just opened my eyes even more.
To see what I have been trying to ignore.

I pulled myself back...
I tried to come back carefully...
Rebuilt the thorn images and relationships.
I made a mistake with "jokingly" asking for a match making even.
Seems like I must have a really bad humor.


...................................................................................................................................................................


When you expected your closes friends to be your worst enemies, you should have been prepared for everything. But, when it actually hit you. It still hurts like a knife.

Guess my mom was right.
It is impossible to be friend with everyone.
To befriend everyone from every class.
You need to pick and choose...
You need to test them...
Test them and see how they will pass your standard and trust...
Just then you can keep them.

To think of me for being that low, I have never expect that before.
I had the feeling they would.
I know they have short term mood swings.
Still.....
...
...
...
...
It is time to pull back even more.




I am fragile.
I am weak.
No matter how strong I let you believe I am...
I am no Elizabeth Bennet.

xoxo
Fat Girl

Closing That Chapter

Have you ever been in that moment in your life...
when you thought you are ready for everything.
when you wishes for something and when it actually happened, you ended up feeling hurt.
the moment when you thought you are almost healed but then you heart started to ache again?

I have been through that feeling so many times in my life.
And yet, it seems like they weren't enough.
Again I was hit unprepared, well.... kinda, quiet hard too this time.

The moment I came back to Australia I was preparing for the worst.
I was scared to come back to my life.
Scared that the wound will be reopened.
I hoped that he found someone already. That I can be normal around everyone.

One week in, I met him for like less than a minute.
It was awkward.
I don't need to be a genius to feel that he wanted to leave as soon as he can.
No eye contacts...
It hurt, but I try to ignore it and didn't think much. Screw it. I need to get a new life now.

Then yesterday I found out he has a new girlfriend.
He went on a romantic holiday with her.
He warned me he was gonna leave Australia quiet often this year.
I had the feeling he was seeing someone and it's true :)
I was crushed inside.
Felt weird.
I know nothing happened between us,
I did prepare for this,
I promised myself to start a new life,
and yet...

Probably this is a present from God for me :)
A warning to move forward...
It is time to close that chapter and start a new one...
To try harder in my study and stop disappointing my parents.
Deep down I am grateful :)
Sad but grateful.

Weird huh

Well, uni, here I come ;)
And single guys.... be careful,
I am ready to mingle for real this time.

xoxo
Fat Girl

Little Reunion

How do you differentiate crush and love?

In the very beginning you want to question your feeling.

Starting to question the weird comfort you have when you are around him.
The way your heart beats.
Why you try to look your best around him.
How your radar is very sensitive around him.

You question your sanity.

You question your body.

You wonder, is it just a crush? a temporary attraction?

Or is it something deeper than that?

I met him again.
after two years never seen him in person :)
He was still exactly the same.
The same humble guy,
the smart and focus person I used to adore.

Yes, adore :))
such a cheesy and creepy word.

It was a nice reunion, awkward, but a huge wake up slap for me.

He again, made me to pursue my education harder.
He always gave me the feeling to compete,
to try my hardest,
to show him and my family my best....

I screwed up...
for the past two years
but that meeting with him made me slightly ashamed of myself for letting those two years ruined me

I lost those happy dorry feeling around him
But he still gave me those feeling to compete and try my best :)
He was my first serious crush,
the first person I online stalked that much ;)

Who said small reunion with your crush will be crap?
I was grateful for it actually.
I realised my mistakes, but he made me feel the urge to fight harder.
He didn't say it directly,
but he was my example..
he is....

xoxo
Fat Girl

Valentine Gloom

Ever miss someone on valentine day?

If you don't, you are a lucky duck. 

If you do, well, welcome to the club.

I messed up my love life again. 

Or, what I thought was my love life.

People takes valentine as the most romantic time of the year.
Question is why?
Saint Valentine died on that day, so it's a bit ironic isn't it?

I decided to write about my recent love mistake today :)
Not because valentine day makes me miserable, but I just want to make it as a reminder for myself not to do the same mistake again.
...................................................................................................................................................................

Hello boy,
the first time I met you, I couldn't even remember your face nor your name.
I didn't really know who you really are.
But for some reason, I felt your calmness and friendliness.
I couldn't remember anything bout you but I felt your existence in that room.

The second chance I get to see you, you were standing there smoking with that chubby face :))
Never thought I would have met you guys in that cafe. We didn't talk. Just a friendly smile.

We met again for the third time in our friends' meet up. You were just the normal nice guy. I started feeling something. Then, we contacted each other more often... everyday....

We kissed. We tried to deny it at first.
We don't talk about it. We kissed more and it led to the next step.
Between us only, we knew we can never be together.

You were my mistake.
And I was yours.

You were my first kiss and the first guy I ever be that close and intimate with.
My heart clench every time I remember you.
It hurt me more when we met again after.
We ended everything badly.
We never really talk about it.
Never communicate directly.
We let our friends talked into our head.

I wanted to scream and tell you that I didn't want them to tell you all of that.
I never asked them to.
I know even now that you think I am such a babbler mouth who tells every thing to everyone.

I asked an advise to a person or two.
And everyone found out.
They pointed their fingers toward you.

You hated me. I know that.
Trust me, I didn't mean for it to happen.
They are your friends.
I pulled myself away. Even now.
I knew I lost your trust.

I never told them what exactly happen between us.
I told my own friend for advises. They told me to grow some balls and a back bone.
I did that.

We are better now :)
But deep down we again know that we can never be the same.

You deserve better.
I deserve better.

I screwed up my brain and uni life to think and cry about you.
I disappointed my parents. I disappointed myself.

Took me three months in another continent to move on.
I met you again once and felt the better than the last time.

I am coming back again this time.
To do better in life.
I hope I am healed for good.
Only time will tell.

Life is a linear line.
I can not fix the past.
I can only take a look at it and do better in the future.
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Thought today was gonna be boring as usual.
But God still loves me, and gave me chance to meet my friend and do some shopping :)
It was fun and unexpected.

If you are in love or think you are in love, don't stay quiet and let a misunderstanding ruin it.
Talk!
Don't let other people to talk in your behalf. No matter what problem it is.

If it ended badly, MOVE ON!
Let time decide.
Don't run back and beg to him like I did. Don't lower your self-respect like me.
You can do so much better.
Don't ruin your future like I did.

What you need is a good friend that can slap your cheek and bring you back to reality.
What you need is a time alone from everyone that knows him.
Don't online stalk him. Make new friends and make new life.
Easier to say than done. Tell me bout it.

Even I am still in my recovering stage :))
Only God knows what will happen once I am back.
Hey, I tried ;)


xoxo
Fat Girl

Welcome To The Fat Girl's Thought

Life can be normal

Life can be weird

It doesn't really matter what you think or dream about sometimes. 

It is more about your decision in that one final second in your life choices.

I have done my past.

I have chosen them myself.

No matter how much I blame other people for it. I do realize, that they were all my choices in the end. I chose to be THAT girl. I chose THAT life. I chose THAT path.

Must be silly of me to write my thoughts here. For all of you to read. Publicly. 

But. I do have my reasons. 

I might not be the only one with those choices. Even if I am, you can still learn from them. Take my life as your reference. Do it when you find it fit. Avoid it when its hell.

I learned most of my lessons from my past, my friends' past. 

Mine, might be boring for you. Even silly and a joke for some. Leave this page if you want. You will be the one regretting it ;)

Kind Regards

Fat Girl